Keepin' it Fresh

Here at Tales of Passion, Professor Passion works hard to stay abreast with all the current cultural poops. Well readers, today I review one of the biggest cultural poops I have ever seen: The movie 300.

This movie was not very good. It is about a bunch of Spartans who have big hole in the center of their town. Their king kicks some guy into the hole while shouting the name of his town. “This is Sparta,” he said, and he kicks some guy into a hole. They could have called the movie “Sparta, and the Great Hole kick”

The king kicked the guy because he did or said something wrong. Its not really clear what he did, but the viewer can be confident that the Spartan King did the right thing when he kicked the guy down the hole because his hot wife nodded at him. It is only after she nods that he kicks the guy down the hole. They could have called this movie “The Kick Happy King and the Wife who nods”

The guy who got kicked was a Persian. This means he was probably a monster of some sort. According to this movie the Persian army had lots of monsters. They even had big birds or dragons flying overhead when they came ashore to Greece. They also had a giant grey guy with them who was all chained up except when he fought the King of Sparta. The Spartans fought for Freedom. The Persians fought for Xerxes, an effeminate muscle man with a deep voice. He seemed nice.

The Spartans were crafty fighters. They jumped around in loincloths and built walls of corpses that they pushed on a single Persian. Boy oh boy did they put the name “immortal” to the test. Hyuck Yuck. “Immortal” is the name of the elite Persian swordsman unit. According to this film the “immortals” might have been zombies. Their faces were all jacked and grey. A good subtitle for this movie would be “The Zombie that died when Spartans push bodies.”

The King of Sparta knew that the best place to fight a giant zombie army with a few red towel wearing men was by a cliff and canyon. The Spartans kept running into waves of Persians though, and hardly used the Phalanx formation that was their strength. Instead, they put on the Korn real loud and rocked the ass out of the Persians. They were so good at slow motion killing that the muscle man named Xerxes rubbed the Spartan King's back. This movie should have been called, “Don’t rub the King, unless you want a spear in the cheek.”

While all this fighting was going on, the movie flashed back to some politics. Some of the Spartan guys were in congress and they sucked. The queen got raped by one of them and then killed his ass. Also she gave a speech. The king and queen knew it was time to fight because “Freedom isn’t free.” The old guys didn’t know this. She told them that the fighting was necessary. This movie wasn’t. Some guy who looked like ET got a uniform and some love action with lesbians. The king told him to live forever. I will think of this movie as “The Unnecessary Hunchback who got sexed up by Lesbians”