I want a cat

Keepin' it Fresh

Here at Tales of Passion, Professor Passion works hard to stay abreast with all the current cultural poops. Well readers, today I review one of the biggest cultural poops I have ever seen: The movie 300.

This movie was not very good. It is about a bunch of Spartans who have big hole in the center of their town. Their king kicks some guy into the hole while shouting the name of his town. “This is Sparta,” he said, and he kicks some guy into a hole. They could have called the movie “Sparta, and the Great Hole kick”

The king kicked the guy because he did or said something wrong. Its not really clear what he did, but the viewer can be confident that the Spartan King did the right thing when he kicked the guy down the hole because his hot wife nodded at him. It is only after she nods that he kicks the guy down the hole. They could have called this movie “The Kick Happy King and the Wife who nods”

The guy who got kicked was a Persian. This means he was probably a monster of some sort. According to this movie the Persian army had lots of monsters. They even had big birds or dragons flying overhead when they came ashore to Greece. They also had a giant grey guy with them who was all chained up except when he fought the King of Sparta. The Spartans fought for Freedom. The Persians fought for Xerxes, an effeminate muscle man with a deep voice. He seemed nice.

The Spartans were crafty fighters. They jumped around in loincloths and built walls of corpses that they pushed on a single Persian. Boy oh boy did they put the name “immortal” to the test. Hyuck Yuck. “Immortal” is the name of the elite Persian swordsman unit. According to this film the “immortals” might have been zombies. Their faces were all jacked and grey. A good subtitle for this movie would be “The Zombie that died when Spartans push bodies.”

The King of Sparta knew that the best place to fight a giant zombie army with a few red towel wearing men was by a cliff and canyon. The Spartans kept running into waves of Persians though, and hardly used the Phalanx formation that was their strength. Instead, they put on the Korn real loud and rocked the ass out of the Persians. They were so good at slow motion killing that the muscle man named Xerxes rubbed the Spartan King's back. This movie should have been called, “Don’t rub the King, unless you want a spear in the cheek.”

While all this fighting was going on, the movie flashed back to some politics. Some of the Spartan guys were in congress and they sucked. The queen got raped by one of them and then killed his ass. Also she gave a speech. The king and queen knew it was time to fight because “Freedom isn’t free.” The old guys didn’t know this. She told them that the fighting was necessary. This movie wasn’t. Some guy who looked like ET got a uniform and some love action with lesbians. The king told him to live forever. I will think of this movie as “The Unnecessary Hunchback who got sexed up by Lesbians”

It is easier to link movies than to write

I've had many discussions about why I don't really care about the music scene. Now that I'm getting old this hasn't been a problem of late. People tend to recognize their hobbies as just that, and people seem to acknowledge that one might have other things to do with their time than worry about the new flavor of the week. I also tend to like the music that my friends make. I don't hate musicians.
So I am not raging against the scene anymore.
I thought however I would still share this. Here is irrefutabe proof that the recent years of "nerd rock" was a lie: When real nerds (not the losers that can't do math but affect the mannerisms of nerds) make Rock n Roll, it doesn't sound sensitive, pretty or even heartfelt. It sounds angry, confused and disturbed. This is what is missing from all the "smart" bands that people recommend to me. This is what is sounds like when DEVO cries:


And this is maybe the greatest music video ever made. Rock concerts are creepy. Devo shows us how creepy:

When Men Were Men and Wrestlers Were Crazy

I haven't watch wrestling in many years. And while I am not against the funny story lines that the wrestling shows now feature, I do miss the pure nonsense that pro-wrestling once was. Even if wrestling bores you, I think, that if you are in any way rational you can see the obvious need for a talk show where coked up steroid using "eccentrics" can expound about the big picture. I'd certainly watch it.

Eagle vs Sloth. You may be surprised who wins.

Sometimes you just gotta sit down and think about some math questions.

Mathematics, rightly viewed,
Possesses not only Truth,
But supreme Beauty
Beauty cold and austere,like sculpture,
Without appeal to any part of our weaker nature,
Without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music,
Yet sublimely pure,
Capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show.
The true spirit of delight,
The exaltation,
The sense of being more than Man,
which is the touchstone of the highest excellence,
Is to be found in mathematics
As surely as in poetry.

--BERTRAND RUSSELL, Study of Mathematics

Reason #3948573 not to watch the news

Pay attention to the lead in to this story and the righteous indignation that follows. Also pay attention to what Giuliani actually says: He says "Assad." Not "Osama." Then laff at the irony of unfairly attributing claims to a man so you can criticize that man for unfairly attributing claims to people.


Truth to power my ass.