Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity

Many years back, I was quite taken with a with a little known underground soda called Heee Haw. It tasted kinda like Mountain Dew except never made any claims of extreme radness. It was a cheap corn syrupy liquid that had caffeine and was carbonated. I liked its low price and incomprehensible name. Three e's. Drinking it made me feel like a rebel, because only those down with Hi Vee from the beginning knew about the Heee Haw. While Mountain Dew may have had sold more bottles, I think all the critics knew Heee Haw was the better soda. I don't know what real mountain dew actually tastes like but I can at least guess why one would describe a drink as the dew collected off of a mountain. IT sounds Abso-fucking-lutely Delicious!

Nowadays, ladies and gents, the torch has been passed. There is a soda that combines the renegade spirit of Heee Haw, with the imagery of Mountains! Sam's Choice and mine is clearly Mountain LIGHTNING! Why drink soggy old dew off a mountain when one can drink a force of fucking nature. ZAPP! Lightning! The drink is razor sharp and empowering. ZING! A Billion electrons surge forth! BUZZ! Zeus himself keeps a cooler full of Mountain Lightning! KA KOW!

Forget the Dew. Forget the Heee Haw. Forget all the johnny come lately and wanna be has beens. Mountain Lightning is the best damn soda this side of Kentucky! And its cheaper than shit! Drink up fuckhead!