The re-impowerment of Dan
It has been almost a month since I have had the pleasure of hot water and the ability to cook. For several weeks now, gas has been restored to my neighborhood but because I could find no certified plumber to reconnect my house, I was gasless. These jerk plumbers have cancelled appointments, came down with illnesses, and if when they eventually showed, were planning on charging upwards of 400 dollars. This morning I decided that this was bullshit. While I understand on account of insurance issues why the state requires certified technicians to take care of gas lines I decided enough was enough. I went online, read up on the technical issues, grabbed a big a wrench and some WD40 and turned on my own gas. Since I didn't have a pump to cause a vacuum in the line, I did the next best thing. I turned on my stove (the only manual control for gas) and simply waited until gas came through. It took about four minutes for me to smell gas. I then tried to light the gas. At first it wasn't concentrated enough to ignite but eventually it worked. I turned on the burners on high and after a few more minutes was able to light the pilots. I then went to the furnace and failed to light the pilot. I figured if I closed all other the lines around between the furnace and the stove, the suction created from the burning gas would draw the inert gases from the furnace line. I was right. After about a half hour of labor and thinking I have managed to even get my water heater working again. I am going to take a hot bath after I finish cooking some rice.
The moral of this story is not that I am resourceful or smart. This has already been demonstrated countless times. The moral is that I (we, everyone) have to stop imagining that experts somehow possess magic that we can't possibly learn. I can't believe I acted like an impotent douche bag waiting a month for some Vatterott College certified plumber to fix my home. Sure gas leaks can be dangerous, but why should I have faith that the asshole who is willing to charge me 400 dollars actually cares about my welfare. Plumbers, psychologist, doctors, and so on, are all great and really helpful if they are actually competent and care about you. However, kissing the ass of the mysterious wisdom granted by a certificate is fucking stupid.
The moral of this story is not that I am resourceful or smart. This has already been demonstrated countless times. The moral is that I (we, everyone) have to stop imagining that experts somehow possess magic that we can't possibly learn. I can't believe I acted like an impotent douche bag waiting a month for some Vatterott College certified plumber to fix my home. Sure gas leaks can be dangerous, but why should I have faith that the asshole who is willing to charge me 400 dollars actually cares about my welfare. Plumbers, psychologist, doctors, and so on, are all great and really helpful if they are actually competent and care about you. However, kissing the ass of the mysterious wisdom granted by a certificate is fucking stupid.
posted by Old Stallion at 2:07 PM
3 Comments:
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Since meeting you in the mid-nineties, that glorious era when Stone Temple Pilots and Alanis Morrisette were musical giants, when Joan Osborne posed the brilliantly realized question "What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?", (correction: make that two brilliantly realized questions), I have been on board, if not in person than in spirit, for every madcap whim, gonzo hijink, awareness-raising pratfall, Irish whip, cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, rowdy prank, double entendre, Chinese firedrill, lumberjack match, electroclash remix, and severe beating so far. However, when you took it upon yourself to turn on your own gas, this, my friend, is where we parted company. I cannot with clear conscience give my endorsement to such brazen self-sufficiency. What happened to the apathy, the laziness, the can't-someone-else-do-it of it all? You disgust me.
I am very proud of you and your gas turning abilities, and yet things like gas and electricity kind of freak me out and I do not picture myself taking over their maintenance anytime soon. Perhaps I will call you if these needs arise...
fart
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